Have you ever witnessed an argument so stupid you’d rather not pick a side? I’m sure parents with multiple kids know what I’m talking about, repeating “Leave me out of it” until they inevitably have to intervene because, you know, children. Still, nothing irks a parent like having to rule on who gets to press the elevator button.
All reason and logic go out the window, and then mom, dad, or both make a ruling, and, regardless of whether it was the correct choice, the case is closed. Not another peep. Don’t even look at your sister. Do you want me to take away the iPad?
That’s how I felt when I saw that Republican Rep. Dusty Johnson of South Dakota filed a “Mount Rushmore Protection Act” in response to Jalen Rose’s Twitter video saying people should stop using Mount Rushmore to rank things because it’s offensive to Native Americans.
Do I have to weigh in on this? Can I just send Jalen and Dusty to the sitting room until they apologize to each other? The Sporting News did the athlete Mount Rushmore for like 15 cities recently, and I was kind of jealous that I hadn’t come up with that gimmick for content during slow summer months.
When I ask, “What’s your Portland Trail Blazers’ Mount Rushmore?” I’m really just asking for your top four. (Also, Clyde, Walton, Dame, ’Sheed.) Can we just forefather this phrase into the lexicon? (Hey-yo double dad joke because I used a form of “dad” in it.)
And shame on Rep. Johnson for running to Fox News with an “exclusive” about filing paperwork over what some media personality said about Mount Rushmore. No one likes a tattle tale, and some deranged South Dakotan will chain (glue?) himself to Thomas Jefferson’s forehead before that gets demolished.
I honestly thought Rose was going to say it’s offensive because two of the four presidents up there owned slaves — and Jefferson, what the fuck, dude? It seemed obvious, so the turn toward indigenous people was unexpected.
I’m also unsure if he’s talking about a literal mass grave at the base of Mount Rushmore when he says, “the dead bodies that [are] buried right underneath.” My cursory Google search didn’t return any hits, but I’ve already declared how dumb this all is so you’re not getting a ton of research here. If he’s saying the figurative bodies, as in like all of the Native Americans who died from genocide overall, then Rep. Johnson has a lot more memorials and monuments to worry about than the one carved into the side of a mountain in his home state.
Additionally, the next time GOP Johnson wants to grandstand, he should scribble his rhetoric on the bathroom walls of the Sioux Falls Denny’s where he hands out free pancakes and halitosis medication to his constituents every month.
“Our nation has an imperfect past,” Johnson’s statement read. “But the calls to cancel Mount Rushmore will not move our nation forward.”
Do you know what’s not moving our nation forward, or this elevator upward? Sensationalized disputes about whether I should ask for your top four running backs of all time, or your running back Mount Rushmore.